I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
