I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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