I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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