I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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