just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
