He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
