oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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