My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
