I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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