Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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