guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
