8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
