So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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