well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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