Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
