Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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