I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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