I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
