we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
