I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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