and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
