Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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