Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
