His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
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i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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