The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
