what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
