Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
