I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
