his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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