If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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