very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
