I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
