Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
