My girlfriend figured out who you are.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
