Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
