Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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