Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hippo gnu deer
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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