My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
