Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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