never play flip cup with pint glasses
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm really busy with my period
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