You're my little dorito
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
