I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
