Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
That was before I lit my hair on fire
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
