When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
