Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
