i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
