I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
