I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
