you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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