my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
