I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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