I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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