you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
