he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
