so explain again why im purple
no
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
